A Memoir of a Strange Girl

Is she really strange? I think not. Eating disorders are so pervasive nowadays. It is not ABNORMAL to have one (given the cut-throat beauty guidelines and restrictions that society provides us with). What really caught my attention about Stacey is after everything she has experienced and internalized, she can still write about her experiences and channel her negative energy into positive energy through her books. When she said it was frightening to tell her story, I definitely couldn't understand exactly what she was feeling, but I could imagine how hard it would be for me if I were in her shoes. It's amazing how one boyfriend or male figure can affect someone's cognitive processes and perceived body image that much. It only takes one person. People completely underestimate the consequences of their words, let alone their actions. Maybe men say cruel things to feel a sense of empowerment, but do you think their thought processes are conscious or more unconscious? Do you think they know that their words will cause women to change and develop unhealthy eating patterns? Do they know that they are instilling perfectionism in women? What is the definition of perfect anyway? According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, three definitions of perfect include...  a : being entirely without fault or defect : flawless <a perfect diamond> b : satisfying all requirements : accurate c : corresponding to an ideal standard or abstract concept <a perfect gentleman>. Nowadays, so many women are sensitive to body image because of being socialized to think that way or because they are belittled by their partners. You have to have the perfect BMI, the perfect skin-bone-muscle ratio, the perfect skinny body. In relation to the definition, you HAVE to meet your partner's requirements for body image or society's, not yours. You can't create your own definition of flawlessness or your own requirements because society doesn't allow you to. What if flawlessness to you meant looking healthy and feeling healthy regardless of weight? What if you just wanted to be in between what we call skinny and fat, which are two black and white terms? Sometimes I wish the media didn't have such of an impact on defining what's "right" and "wrong" or respectively, "skinny" and "fat." We constantly have people judging us for our looks, but what ever happened to talking about the meaning behind our looks, our personalities, our belief systems? People are always going to judge. But judge after you know the full story. I'm sure people were judging Stacey because of all her tattoos and piercings and her general unique look. But we knew what she was planning on talking about and therefore, we were more open-minded and more willing to listen. But what if we saw her on the street, how do you think you would judge her then? Maybe differently? Probably. It's not fair. Get to know a person before you assume that they are "strange" or "weird." Everyone has their weaknesses and flaws, and everyone has different experiences including traumatic and life-changing ones. Stacey empowered me to understand her story, to understand the meaning behind it, and respect her for it. She is not perfect, but neither is anyone else. We all have different coping mechanisms and ways of dealing with the problems that come our way. I am glad that she is on a healthy road to recovery because she has a lot going for her at this moment in her life. For whoever is reading this, I hope that the next time you try to be "perfect," you realize that there is no real definition of perfect, only you can create your own. And when you do create your own standards/goals, I hope they are realistic, healthy, positive, and flexible.

I found this article interesting...I suggest you read it too. Good food for thought.

Perfectionism and Eating Disorders (The Many Faces of Perfectionism):

http://www.bulimia.com/client/client_pages/newsletteredt8.cfm 

Ending Violence

Ending Violence is one of my favorite chapters in Feminism is for Everybody. Hooks touches on important points of how to create cultural awareness of domestic violence that is more pervasive then we think. On page 61, she states that patriarchal violence is defined as a more powerful individual who controls others "through various forms of coercive force... male violence against women, same-sex violence, and adult violence against children." I think that it is obvious that this definition is somewhat sexist in itself. And, in general, most people who are sexist in thinking overlook the domestic violence that occurs between people of the same-sex and parents and children. A lot of people tend to only victimize females. But nowadays in society, more children are actually victimized and physically or emotionally abused by male AND female parents. This is even worse, in my eyes, because children are more helpless and tend to have less rights in this society. If they are very young, they sometimes don't have a voice to stand up for themselves or have enough courage and support to do so. They also may still be forming conclusions about the distinctions between "right" and "wrong." There are so many other reasons as well, which contribute to their powerlessness.

I love that Hooks stated that we need to change stereotypes that MEN are always abusers and WOMEN are always nonviolent victims. THIS IS NOT TRUE. Even though statistics may show that male violent acts are more common than female violent acts, we should not underestimate female violence. Women can and should learn to exercise authority without using violence, and men in turn should learn how to treat their women as equals and not try to dominate them or suppress them through violence. Men should also learn how to exercise authority to their children without using violence! But what about women using violence to dominate men? Does that happen often? Maybe it doesn't appear to, but I know women who emotionally abuse men just to get their point across. They belittle their husbands, maybe hit them once and awhile, and try to show them that they are dominant and what they say is right. I am not saying this happens all the time, but it is very likely for women to do this. I feel like the common stereotype is women who emotionally abuse, and men who physically abuse, but the opposite for each sex can be true as well.

Is power and masculinity correlated with violence also? Hooks says it is. So if your wife has a stable job and you are unemployed, you are more likely to exercise domination through abuse. I can see how this is true, but for men who are feminist thinkers, they most likely support their wives and are grateful that they are accomplished human beings who can put food on the table for two, or for a whole family. I think Hooks ends the chapter with a great quote and this is how I will end my blog also: "Feminist efforts to end male violence against women must be expanded into a movement to end all forms of violence. And it is especially vital that parents learn to parent in nonviolent ways" (p. 66).

Who Does She Think She Is?

Who does she think she is? Giving up her family life to chase after her dreams. Giving up doing laundry and cooking food for a few hours to go to work. Giving up her family's needs for her own needs. Being SO SELFISH. Who does she think she is?! A hypocrite. Choosing to get married and promising to take care of the family. But now, because her needs and desires changed, she is doomed. Her husband leaves her, her family members look down upon her, she feels horribly guilty herself. An actress, an aspiring artist, a woman in all the sense of the word. Why can't she just follow her dreams, help around the house, and be a loving parent and wife at the same time? Why is this so condemned in society? This view of "selflessless" and giving everything to your family and kids even if it means losing yourself is, of course, perfectly fine. NOT. The imbalance associated with this way of thinking takes precedence over anything else. It is not healthy for any human being, whether a person be male or female, to dedicate their whole life to someone else and leave no time for themselves. We all have a potential to explore our interests, grow, and thrive as individuals. Giving yourself up for another person means losing that ability to explore, grow, and thrive because you are just helping others explore, grow, and thrive. Levels of satisfaction decrease, and people compensate in other ways. I know a hardworking, driven woman who does EVERYTHING for her children. And now, it seems as though she lost her sense of self. In order to temporarily feel "happy," she shops until she fills her void. But this has just led to an unhealthy shopping addiction. Her husband works a full-time job, her kids go to school, and she does all of the house work and rarely receives help from anyone. So where does the "me" time come in? Shopping is where she is happy. And that is just sad. So how can we prevent this from happening? How can we prevent the women in the video from feeling guilty and selfish? How can we teach family members and partners to be more understanding in general? The one woman in the video changed her studio hours to nighttime so she could devote herself to her children during the day when they needed her. She only gets three hours of sleep. And her husband STILL left her. The men need to step up and realize that they, too, can pitch in and give a helping hand. They should share the joy and struggles of raising the kids, cleaning the house, preparing food, etc. It should be a "joint" effort. It shouldn't always be a competition of who does what, who reciprocates what, and who puts more effort in. Everyone needs to adopt a feminist viewpoint and everyone needs to be more willing to understand. Everyone deserves to thrive and be their own person. Children deserve to have two parents that raise them, not one. They deserve to see the balance so they, too, can grow up and maintain this balance with their future partners. Bell Hooks touched on this a lot. The idea of educating children early so they are alert and aware to the problems in a society which appears to be more anti-feminist than feminist. Just as little girls play with dollhouses and cook the meals, little boys can do the same. I intern at a preschool with children who have special needs, and here, we try and deemphasize gender roles and stereotypes and replace them with more neutral and balanced ways of thinking. Even just doing this during playtime can influence children's viewpoints. You'd be suprised.

Beauty Within and Without

As I listened to our conversation in class on Thursday, I had so many thoughts racing through my head that I found it difficult to process all of them. I find it extremely interesting that sexism can even be applied to eating disorders let alone body image. Because I am a Psychology major, I study eating disorders a lot from a cognitive/emotional/behavioral viewpoint. I have indeed looked into the social aspects of eating disorders; however, yesterday’s class helped me to incorporate sexism into my already acquired knowledge. We have spoken a lot about male domination and the patriarchal society. But what is the correlation between female beauty and male exertion of control? In other words, to what degree do females look “good” for themselves and to what degree is this influenced by how men judge them? I’ve heard that females feel as though they absolutely NEED to look beautiful and perfect for their male partners or else they feel as though they will leave them. I’ve also heard of men actually threatening to leave if their female partners do not start losing weight, taking care of themselves, and the like. This exacerbates the problem of the perfect “beauty ideal” and directly results in more severe psychological disorders, whether it be eating disorders, anxiety, depression, paranoia, etc. Female standards of beauty are so cut-throat that women have been left feeling worthless, hideous, and helpless. But can this truly be attributed to the pressure of male partners in their lives? My answer is absolutely. Other factors obviously contribute to the overall change in mental state; however, women have been deprived of their sense of true comfort because of men and THEIR standards for women. It’s all about exercising control at times. And then women gain that control back by starving themselves, exercising profusely, or binge-eating and vomiting. On page 35, Hooks states, “All females no matter their age are being socialized wither consciously or unconsciously to have anxiety about their body, to see flesh as problematic.” But what about males? Are they socialized less than girls to have perfect bodies? Or do they just not admit it as a problem while girls do? The general population of men who have eating disorders in actuality is very underestimated. I’m starting to think that if they feel emasculated, they may eat less as a matter of gaining back that control that defines masculinity in our society. But if they admit that they have these problems, this may suggest that they are “weak” and have lost control even though they see the opposite (eating less is gaining back their control). So what’s the correct answer? There’s so many factors involved, but when it comes to sexism, we need to look at eating disorders from a female AND male point of view, and keep in mind that many men have eating disorders, but are just less willing to admit it.